i had such a fun day! i am soo grateful for Levi and Lisa's company!! I had soo much fun going to thrift shops and street fairs and tea shops!! doing all of those things on your own is fun... but it's much better to have people to share it with! i am soo grateful for their friendship! i feel like Levi is my long lost brother and Lisa is my new sister in law! in a good way... not in a oh the "in laws" way... i love their crazy stories!! and loved meeting Chris! --the son of a bitch! yay! thankful for laughter and good times! i had planned on spending the day alone... and sort of getting my head straight? and maybe going shopping or maybe cleaning... but i actually felt like i had friends today! i am soo thankful!
... and i do miss the boy... he is what i need for now...
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
people are soo weird
so I've been living in NYC for almost 2 months now... and I have a job waiting tables... as all actors have at some point... I've been wanting soo desperately to begin to pluck away at my "acting career" or rather... just fucking do something creative and artistic... in the realm of theatre... it would be nice.... -- I haven't been able to get my headshots printed b/c they are too dark and "would look like helmet-hair!" -- although i kinda think that is the way my hair was that day? uggh! -- and my headshot photograhper is too fabulous to call me back or respond to my email... so i'm done with him as a photographer. - as a friend... well... i don't think he really wants to be my friend anyways... i love him... he's young.... he'll learn.
--- but I really would love new headshots! but i'm not sure if i can afford those AND Acting classes? and dance classes and I need a kick ass Voice teacher!! one that will kick my ass into practicing!! -- i don't know. Also thinking of changing my hairstyle... much to think about... -- but i feel sort of stuck or in limbo... waiting.... waiting... and yet not really sure which direction to go?
so there is this girl at work -- who I think could be nice and fun and maybe a friend... if she just wasn't sooo damn insecure. As an actor I am extremely insecure-- we all are... but. But-- this girl will just talk at you non-stop about herself!! it's very stream-of-conciousness. But she also I think, intentionally brags about her recent acting acheivements. Now I understand the "hey guess what happened to me yesterday..." and then you tell the story and you move on. You do not talk and talk and talk about the samething for the next 6 hours! On top of that I have this feeling that she's telling me these things to sort of one-up me or make herself feel better or me worse? -- which i don't care! well... part of me does feel inferior b/c i have only been to one audition in the city and i blew it! -- i'm a good actor-- i know what i'm doing-- i just suck at auditions. --and there are a million reasons-- which i could analyze in full detail and take up pages and days pondering this one thing... but I know what it feels like to be on the other end after listening to this motor mouth go on and on about her sickness... or her costume fitting? or being shift leader? ---does she breathe? I wonder... highly self absorbed. there is not a moment where anyone within 3 feet of her has to wonder what it is she is thinking at every moment. I can only take small doses. How does one function like that? how does she have a boyfriend? does he have earplugs or is he really good at tuning people out? or is he obsessed with her as much as she is obsessed with herself? is she an only child? -- glad we are not the same type --- it sucks cuz I'd kinda like to have a friend at work... -- sigh, maybe I'll just listen... i am the listening type...
--and there is this other guy at work... who is young and hired the same time I was... and annoying I kinda feel sorry for him... he was telling me today about joining some sort of secret fraternity where they beat you up and haze you ... yet you have to pay a thousand dollars.... to have these "brotherly bonds" sure these humiliating degrading experiences bond people... but it just doesn't sound like the way to make friends... i've never liked the idea of paying for friends especially ones that are going beat you up!
soo it's very sad that today is my little brother's birthday and i have no idea how to get in touch with him... no one in my family knows how to get in touch with him. -- i did get the number to the restaurant he works at but he's off today... so i assume he's still alive...
oh struggles. so my current mental struggle is just loving myself. accepting myself. knowing that i will act again even though i get scared that i won't... trusting myself. having confidence in myself. believing in me. that is the first step. and sometimes it is soo hard, b/c i can say some pretty mean things to myself! but I'm sort of going with the flow... learning the city-- which I love!! I love all of the weird people... well most of them! trying to find myself again... what i stand for and what i believe in... I am a teenager trying to find my identity in the giant high school of life!
--- learning to love others again.... learning to let my guard down, my wall, so that maybe some light will shine and the tiny plant mel will grow.... will learn... will get stronger...
i let others intimidate me... even if i know that i'm better or? smarter or? don't need to be intimidated by them... i give my power away. It is a bad habit. How do I break that habit? How do I keep my power without hurting or dominating or belittling others? it's a fine line? maybe? I don't know
there is a small voice inside my head that keeps urging me to sing-- ever since I came to the city... i have had the urge to walk around singing... just not the confidence... it will come -- hopefully--- last night saw this amazing band with a 1920's style-- the singer was amazing!! i want to sing like her! I really need to find the confidence to just sing!!
--- but I really would love new headshots! but i'm not sure if i can afford those AND Acting classes? and dance classes and I need a kick ass Voice teacher!! one that will kick my ass into practicing!! -- i don't know. Also thinking of changing my hairstyle... much to think about... -- but i feel sort of stuck or in limbo... waiting.... waiting... and yet not really sure which direction to go?
so there is this girl at work -- who I think could be nice and fun and maybe a friend... if she just wasn't sooo damn insecure. As an actor I am extremely insecure-- we all are... but. But-- this girl will just talk at you non-stop about herself!! it's very stream-of-conciousness. But she also I think, intentionally brags about her recent acting acheivements. Now I understand the "hey guess what happened to me yesterday..." and then you tell the story and you move on. You do not talk and talk and talk about the samething for the next 6 hours! On top of that I have this feeling that she's telling me these things to sort of one-up me or make herself feel better or me worse? -- which i don't care! well... part of me does feel inferior b/c i have only been to one audition in the city and i blew it! -- i'm a good actor-- i know what i'm doing-- i just suck at auditions. --and there are a million reasons-- which i could analyze in full detail and take up pages and days pondering this one thing... but I know what it feels like to be on the other end after listening to this motor mouth go on and on about her sickness... or her costume fitting? or being shift leader? ---does she breathe? I wonder... highly self absorbed. there is not a moment where anyone within 3 feet of her has to wonder what it is she is thinking at every moment. I can only take small doses. How does one function like that? how does she have a boyfriend? does he have earplugs or is he really good at tuning people out? or is he obsessed with her as much as she is obsessed with herself? is she an only child? -- glad we are not the same type --- it sucks cuz I'd kinda like to have a friend at work... -- sigh, maybe I'll just listen... i am the listening type...
--and there is this other guy at work... who is young and hired the same time I was... and annoying I kinda feel sorry for him... he was telling me today about joining some sort of secret fraternity where they beat you up and haze you ... yet you have to pay a thousand dollars.... to have these "brotherly bonds" sure these humiliating degrading experiences bond people... but it just doesn't sound like the way to make friends... i've never liked the idea of paying for friends especially ones that are going beat you up!
soo it's very sad that today is my little brother's birthday and i have no idea how to get in touch with him... no one in my family knows how to get in touch with him. -- i did get the number to the restaurant he works at but he's off today... so i assume he's still alive...
oh struggles. so my current mental struggle is just loving myself. accepting myself. knowing that i will act again even though i get scared that i won't... trusting myself. having confidence in myself. believing in me. that is the first step. and sometimes it is soo hard, b/c i can say some pretty mean things to myself! but I'm sort of going with the flow... learning the city-- which I love!! I love all of the weird people... well most of them! trying to find myself again... what i stand for and what i believe in... I am a teenager trying to find my identity in the giant high school of life!
--- learning to love others again.... learning to let my guard down, my wall, so that maybe some light will shine and the tiny plant mel will grow.... will learn... will get stronger...
i let others intimidate me... even if i know that i'm better or? smarter or? don't need to be intimidated by them... i give my power away. It is a bad habit. How do I break that habit? How do I keep my power without hurting or dominating or belittling others? it's a fine line? maybe? I don't know
there is a small voice inside my head that keeps urging me to sing-- ever since I came to the city... i have had the urge to walk around singing... just not the confidence... it will come -- hopefully--- last night saw this amazing band with a 1920's style-- the singer was amazing!! i want to sing like her! I really need to find the confidence to just sing!!
Friday, February 29, 2008
march crept in like a lamb
To Begin. how does one begin? i have always been leary of blogs... because sometimes I think that people write things that should be kept in a diary... what happened to good old fashioned diaries that had the little lock that your little brother would pry open and read out loud at the dinner table? --that is if you ate at "the dinner table" ... perhaps a plate in your lap as you watched tv? --in which case when your brother runs in reading your diary aloud you throw your plate, peas flying-- the dog is excited--chasing your brother around the living room, lots of yelling, until you begin to pummel each other to death... -- is "the dinner table" still an option these days?
And who is my audience? to whom am i speaking? I have a difficult time with this as well, because I put on a different face for different audiences... -- which always leads to the question of "Who Am I?" i don't know and yet I do...
I have been wanting to write a blog for some time now... my best friend Rachel sorta beat me to it-- she just started posting one recently and i tried to comment but for some reason it wouldn't let me... but i had also had a few "leeeemonChellosss" at that time... -- i miss her very much. but someday we'll come together and start a theatre company!!
so I suppose I should begin by telling my imaginary audience a little about myself. ? and now what do I write? do I start with - I was born... i suppose i'll pick something?
I just moved to NYC on Valentine's Day!! a romantic move in! i have been kicking myself ever since i got here b/c i should have done it sooner-- when i had more energy! you're only as old as you want to be... -- but i had to get myself out of debt first. and i'm very glad that I did!!
I am an actor-- although i struggle with self doubt. it's horrible. soo draining. It's hard enough in this career choice just finding a job... dealing with all of the cutthroat people that will intimidate you and put you down... I fight with myself before I even get out the door! -- i suppose that for the moment it is the cross i bear... -- I've gotten a lot better, but I notice that when I'm tired and hungry my negative thoughts return...
but this is my movie and it will have a happy ending. i am determined that it will.
And there is a boyfriend. Ry. and he is very dear to my heart... -- see! diary stuff!! lalalalalala
so i suppose the purpose of this blog is to write about my adventures in NYC .... to create discussions about life and acting... and art and music... and just to write!
And who is my audience? to whom am i speaking? I have a difficult time with this as well, because I put on a different face for different audiences... -- which always leads to the question of "Who Am I?" i don't know and yet I do...
I have been wanting to write a blog for some time now... my best friend Rachel sorta beat me to it-- she just started posting one recently and i tried to comment but for some reason it wouldn't let me... but i had also had a few "leeeemonChellosss" at that time... -- i miss her very much. but someday we'll come together and start a theatre company!!
so I suppose I should begin by telling my imaginary audience a little about myself. ? and now what do I write? do I start with - I was born... i suppose i'll pick something?
I just moved to NYC on Valentine's Day!! a romantic move in! i have been kicking myself ever since i got here b/c i should have done it sooner-- when i had more energy! you're only as old as you want to be... -- but i had to get myself out of debt first. and i'm very glad that I did!!
I am an actor-- although i struggle with self doubt. it's horrible. soo draining. It's hard enough in this career choice just finding a job... dealing with all of the cutthroat people that will intimidate you and put you down... I fight with myself before I even get out the door! -- i suppose that for the moment it is the cross i bear... -- I've gotten a lot better, but I notice that when I'm tired and hungry my negative thoughts return...
but this is my movie and it will have a happy ending. i am determined that it will.
And there is a boyfriend. Ry. and he is very dear to my heart... -- see! diary stuff!! lalalalalala
so i suppose the purpose of this blog is to write about my adventures in NYC .... to create discussions about life and acting... and art and music... and just to write!
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